Mike Birbiglia

Maybe I have a low tolerance for children because I’ve lost a lot of great friends to kids. Because parenting really is like a disease. But it’s worse than a disease because they want you to have it too. They say things like, “You should have kids too!” And I think, I’m watching you do it and I’m thinking I’m gonna not do it.

We gotta get babies off planes. We got rid of smoking in the eighties, we could get rid of babies now. Or bring back smoking and get these babies some cigarettes because they’re so stressed out.

I had so many questions in Catholic school, but that only made it worse. In sixth grade I asked Sister Kathy, “What happens in heaven?”

She said, “Heaven is whatever you want it to be.”

I thought, That’s just me masturbating all the time.