Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar

GROUCHO MARX,
who summed up our basic ideology when he said,
“These are my principles; if you don’t like them, I have others.”

therapist asks his patient how his visit to his mother went. The patient says, “It did not go well at all. I made a terrible Freudian slip.”

“Really?” says the therapist. “What did you say?”

“What I meant to say was, ‘Please pass the salt.’ But what I said was, ‘You bitch! You ruined my life!’”

The police say, “Lady, we are asking you for a description of your husband that corresponds to your actual husband.”

The woman responds, “Correspondence, shmorrespondence! Truth cannot be determined solely by epistemological criteria, because the adequacy of those criteria cannot be determined apart from the goals sought and values held. That is to say, in the end, truth is what satisfies, and, God knows, my husband didn’t do that

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police. They ask her for a description, and she says, “He’s six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.”

Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is five-feet-four, bald, and has a huge belly.”

And she says, “Who wants that one back?”

There is a town in which the sole barber—a man, by the way—shaves all the townsmen, and only those townsmen, who do not shave themselves. Does the barber shave himself? If he does, he doesn’t.
If he doesn’t, he does.

Here’s some sage advice based on the Monte Carlo Fallacy:

If you are getting on a commercial airliner, for safety’s sake, take a bomb with you . . . because the overwhelming odds are there won’t be two guys on the same plane with a bomb.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 m.p.h., the other from Topeka at 7:47 pr.m. at a speed of 35 m.p.h.”