Английский шутя

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
God says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them," God replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
God says, "So they would love you!"

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change…"