The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved

“You have to learn to enjoy your own company,” I replied. “Before you can learn to be with someone else, you need to learn to be alone. Until you are comfortable being with yourself, you will always be afraid of being alone.

Intimacy is multidimensional. It mysteriously combines all four aspects of the human person: the physical; the emotional; the intellectual; and the spiritual.

Intellectual intimacy blossoms in a nonjudgmental environment. Different people have different ideas. Your ideas are not always right, and their ideas are not always wrong. Keeping an open mind is an important part of intellectual intimacy.

This common purpose is the foundation of spiritual intimacy. We may have investigated the physical aspect of the human person, we may have delved into the emotional and psychological aspect of the human person, and we may have a reasonable understanding of the intellectual faculties and capacities of the human person, but the make-up and potential of the spiritual aspect of the human person in many ways remains uncharted territory. The reason is that our spiritual potential is both difficult to explore and easy to neglect.

The paradox that we want to be known and loved for who we are, but refuse to reveal ourselves because we are afraid of rejection, creates a tremendous loneliness in our lives.

Addictions are among the most powerful self-delusions we experience. Addictions are created by self-delusions and in turn create even more self-delusions. Addiction disconnects us from reality. So, why do we gravitate toward the objects of our addictions? The reason is profoundly simple: because they change the way we think about ourselves. Our addictions pull us further and further into our self-centered imaginary worlds, while intimacy draws us out of our self-absorption and into a real experience of others, the world, and ourselves. Our addictions keep our illusions alive, and the one illusion our addictions are most faithful to is the belief that we are the center of the universe.

Genuine intimacy comes to liberate us from our loneliness, but when we run from intimacy we often find ourselves enslaved by addiction.

It is too easy to convince ourselves that we can live our lives and fulfill our destinies without the cooperation of others. In many ways, our destinies are not in our own hands—at least, not entirely. In many ways, we are not independent; we are interdependent. Independence is just one example of the illusions that prevent us from entering deeply into relationships.

Dynamic and vibrant relationships help us to surrender our illusions in favor of the often less perfect but always more fulfilling reality.

People introduce us to ourselves. Sharing ourselves with others helps us to understand ourselves; in the process we reveal ourselves to others, but we also help them to discover themselves.

What is intimacy? It is the process of mutual self-revelation that inspires us to give ourselves completely to another person in the mystery we call love.