We Are Never Meeting in Real Life

Why do I feel so embarrassed all the time, and why can’t I figure out how to not do the things that embarrass me?

Don’t be all down in the dumps (like a truck truck truck) and let opportunists and perverts take advantage of some low self-esteem you’re absolutely too awesome to have.

Does touching a penis lower your blood pressure or lessen your risk of developing type 2 diabetes?

Hopefully lesbian bed death is real and not another unattainable fantasy the Internet has lied to me about, like poreless skin

THAT IS A REAL QUESTION, OKAY. If you can have one square of triple-thin-crust pizza and happily close the top of the box and put it in your refrigerator until the next day and not wake up periodically throughout the night asking yourself whether or not you made a huge mistake, then maybe this is not the book for you. BITCHES GOTTA EAT.