Patricia Evans

Withholding enables the abuser to dominate his partner while keeping his ideal image intact. Indeed, to reveal a thought would give the enemy the advantage or perhaps subject him to scrutiny.

To respond with interest to his partner would be just as threatening. Such a response would suggest equality, obliterating the abuser’s stance of superiority.

Likewise, the abuser defends himself against his overwhelming feelings of powerlessness by countering his partner. When he declares himself to be right and his partner to be wrong, he believes himself to be the winner — more powerful and in control.

The abuser gives himself permission to act out his repressed feelings and, at the same time, protects his ideal image by discounting the effects of his abusive behavior. Discounting is a primary defense.

Blocking and diverting are other defenses by which the abuser controls the interpersonal reality. By totally avoiding the topic at hand, he avoids any exploration of the reality of his behavior.

Accusing and blaming are defenses and significant symptoms of projection. The abuser avoids responsibility for his behavior and maintains his ideal image by declaring his partner guilty and responsible for his feelings.

Another way the abuser attempts to defend himself against his hidden feelings of inferiority and powerlessness is by criticizing and judging. By declaring his superiority and “rightness” he reinforces both his ideal image and his entire defense system.

Abuse disguised as a joke is a way of winning which gives the abuser a feeling of Power Over. It is a covert hostile attack, denied by the ready-made accusation, “you can’t take a joke.” This accusation blames the victim and leaves the abuser feeling one up and therefore more powerful. It is a no-risk potshot. The damage is done before the partner can see it coming.

Trivializing, undermining, threatening, and name calling are all defenses against repressed feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. They are power plays designed by the abuser to denigrate and diminish his partner (his projection).

By forgetting, the abuser denies responsibility for his behavior while acting out his hostility.